


it's not right (but it's okay)

by iamertrash



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Bucky is sad, Canon Compliant, Fuck Steve, M/M, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Post-Serum Steve Rogers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-06
Updated: 2019-05-06
Packaged: 2020-02-27 06:59:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18733972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iamertrash/pseuds/iamertrash
Summary: ‘’I’m going back. Back in time. I’ve already talked to Banner, I’m returning the stones.’’Realization hits Bucky like a brick.‘’That’s not all you’re going to do.’’ he whispers. If someone put a stethoscope to his chest right now, they’d hear his heart shatter into a million pieces.





	it's not right (but it's okay)

2023

 

The sun sets below the horizon, painting the sky with strokes of pink and orange. The slight breeze cools Bucky‘s skin as he walks down the hill and  takes a seat on a bench facing the lake. Peace. Finally. His life has never been simple per se, between trying to survive in 1930s Brooklyn, fighting in the second world war, becoming the world‘s deadliest assassin and, most recently, turning to ash for five years. No, his life has never been simple, but he hopes that will change soon. He thinks of the future with optimism, something he was never able to do before.

 

‘’Buck.’’

 

Bucky turns around, smiling at Steve who stands beside the bench.

 

‘’May I?’’

 

Bucky nods and turns back towards the lake.

 

‘’Peaceful, isn’t it?’’ he asks, not really looking for an answer.

 

Steve smiles. ‘’Finally.’’

 

They sit in comfortable silence for a few minutes, the only noises coming from the small birds flying around the trees.

 

‘’So what’s next?’’ Bucky asks, disturbing the silence.

 

Steve sighs. ‘’That’s what I wanted to talk to you about.’’

 

His tone seems sad, like he has been dreading this. Bucky’s heart rate goes up. Steve looks at him, with those eyes that used to be full of light. They look different. _He_ looks different. Tired. Exhausted, even. Bucky doesn’t doubt for a second that he looks tired too, because he is. He’s seen too much, _done_ too much. All he wants now is to settle down somewhere peaceful, where he can grow old in peace.

 

‘’Go on.’’

 

Steve hesitates, taking a few breaths before speaking again. ‘’I’m giving the shield to Sam. I hope you don’t mind.’’

 

Bucky smiles. _Of course_ he doesn’t mind. Sam is the only one who could take on the mantle of Captain America. He is fiercely loyal, brave, and above all, one of the best men Bucky has ever known. He cannot think of a man more deserving than Sam.

 

‘’What about _your_ future? I mean, no more Captain America, you must have something else planned.’’

 

Steve does not say anything. Bucky looks back towards the lake. The sun has set, and the sky has become dark. The stars are visible and the moon illuminates the forest, its reflection shining on the lake. Bucky smiles.

 

‘’Remember that time we slept out on the balcony when we were kids, trying to count the stars?’’

 

‘’And you barely slept because you were so scared I’d be sick? Yeah, I remember.’’ Steve chuckles.

 

Bucky laughs with him. ‘’Those were the days.’’

 

Silence. Again. Steve still hasn’t answered Bucky’s question.

 

‘’I’m going back.’’ Steve says, after a few moments of silence.

 

‘’What do you mean?’’

 

‘’I’m going back. Back in time. I’ve already talked to Banner, I’m returning the stones.’’

 

Realization hits Bucky like a brick.

 

‘’That’s not all you’re going to do.’’ he whispers. If someone put a stethoscope to his chest right now, they’d hear his heart shatter into a million pieces.

 

‘’I’m sorry.’’ Steve tries to take his hand, but Bucky jerks it away. He doesn’t know what to say. _Am I not enough for you?_

‘’Why?’’ is all he manages to choke out. The knot in his stomach is growing bigger every second. He blinks back his tears, refusing to let his emotions get the best of him.

 

‘’I’m _tired,_ Bucky. Exhausted. I just want to relax.’’

 

‘’And you can’t do that here?’’ Bucky spits out, anger evident in his tone.

 

‘’Bucky-‘’

 

‘’Why not? Tell me!’’

 

‘’This was never the place for me, Bucky, you know that-‘’

 

‘’Well, it sure as _hell_ isn’t the place for me either, but I’m not going to run away from it like a fucking coward!’’

 

Steve flinches and looks away. Bucky’s chest tightens, slightly regretting his words. He never thinks before he speaks. _No, fuck it,_ Bucky thinks. Steve hurt him, Steve _fucking_ broke his heart. He doesn’t have to be nice, not now.

 

‘’I’m sorry, Buck. I just miss her, so much. More than anything.’’

 

‘’Did you miss me?’’

 

‘’Bucky-‘’

 

‘’Answer my question.’’

 

Steve doesn’t say anything. _Fucking hell,_ Bucky thinks. _He’s not even trying._

 

‘’Of course I missed you. I’m just- she was the one for me. Always was. I don’t know if I can find happiness here, without her.’’

 

Bucky says nothing. He looks into Steve’s eyes, and he almost looks guilty.

 

‘’But I’m here. Am I not enough for you? Is _Sam_ not enough for you?’’

 

Steve flinches again. _Good,_ Bucky thinks. _Serves him right._

 

‘’Of _course_ you’re enough, but you know me, I always wanted a family. One of my own.’’

 

Kids, a dog, white picket fucking fence. Bucky can hardly believe that the words coming out of Steve’s mouth are real, and not a figment of his own imagination. Perhaps that’s the worst part. They aren’t. They’re real, _so fucking real._ Each word is like a stab in the gut, and the knife twists and turns with every beat of his heart.

 

Bucky doesn’t know what to say, so he just laughs. He laughs until he can barely breathe. Steve takes a shaky breath.

 

‘’I’m sorry to leave you, but I have to-‘’

 

‘’Have to? _Have to?_ I didn’t fucking have to take care of you when you were a scrawny little thing, but I did because I love you, you shithead. I fucking love you. I love you with everything that I am, and everything that I will ever be. Do you _know_ how bad it fucking hurts to have the only person you’ve ever loved tell you that you can’t make them happy? I mean, _Jesus Christ_ , Steve, why do you think I keep fighting by your side? I don’t want to fight, never did, but I’d follow you to the end of the earth, if it means we can be together.’’

 

Steve avoids eye contact.

 

‘’To the end of the line.’’ Bucky whispers. ‘’What happened to the line, Stevie?’’

 

Steve doesn’t look up. ‘’Maybe the line split.’’

 

A slap in the face and a kick in the balls would have hurt less than those four words.

 

‘’Split.’’ Bucky repeats. He stands up, barely aware  of what he’s doing. _Split._ The only thing running through his head is: _I need to get away. I can’t do this._

 

Steve grabs his hand before he can leave.

 

‘’I love you, Buck. Always have, always will. You know that.’’

 

Bucky looks at Steve, and there are tears in his eyes. As if he’s sorry, as if he feels bad. As if he regrets his decision. But Bucky knows Steve, and once he’s made a decision no one can get him to budge. Even his ma never could, God rest her soul. No, once Steve’s heart is set on something there’s no going back. When Bucky thinks about it, they wouldn’t be in this forest at this moment. If Steve wasn’t stubborn, he’d never have gotten the serum. That _fucking_ serum. Who knows, maybe the war would have ended much later. But Steve would also have been safe in New York.

 

Bucky wouldn’t have left that HYDRA base on that autumn day. Bucky wouldn’t have fallen off that train. Bucky wouldn’t have become the deadliest assassin in history. The two of them have shaped history, more than Bucky ever realized. And now, when they can finally begin their own story, their own lives, Steve throws it all away.

 

‘’But you love her more.’’

 

‘’It’s not that simple, Buck.’’

 

‘’But it _is_ that simple, Rogers.’’ Bucky spits.

 

‘’I haven’t gotten her off my mind ever since I went into the ice.’’ Steve continues, seemingly unfazed. Bucky says nothing.

 

‘’Bucky, I just don’t think the universe wants us to be together.’’

 

Bucky looks away. The universe can want whatever the fuck it wants, that won’t change the way Bucky feels.

 

‘’But _I_ want us to be together.’’

 

In truth, that’s all he’s ever wanted. Steve is his heart, his soul, his spirit. Steve is Bucky, and Bucky is Steve. He thinks about all the winters they’ve spent together, curled up under the thin blankets. Their bodies fit like a puzzle, Steve’s head buried in the crook of Bucky’s neck and their legs intertwined. He thinks of all the nights he spent awake, scared that each breath Steve takes could be his last. He’s known his whole life that Steve is the only one for him. And for the past few years he’s thought that Steve feels the same. Apparently not.

 

Bucky takes a seat again.

 

‘’But that was never an option, was it?’’ Bucky whispers, looking into Steve’s eyes. Tired. Grey. They’ve lost all their life, and Bucky knows this is yet another battle he’s lost. Begging won’t get him anywhere, he knows that. Steve hasn’t rested, not since 1943. He deserves to take some time for himself, even if that means that time won’t be spent with Bucky. Of course he wants Steve for himself, always has, but Steve won’t be able to rest here. Not really. That missed opportunity would haunt him for the rest of his long, long life. And Bucky doesn’t want that. Bucky isn’t happy, but Steve will be. Maybe that’s all that matters.

 

Bucky still doesn’t think it’s _right,_ per se, and he would much rather have Steve here, but he can’t force Steve to stay. If Steve wants to dig his own grave, Bucky can’t stop him. And who knows, maybe Steve will turn around. Maybe he’ll see that Bucky is all he needs. But Bucky knows that won’t happen. He’ll get the family he always wanted, always deserved.

 

Peggy was always wonderful, once Bucky got past his jealousy. She was a lot like Steve. Stubborn, brave and kind. They were a perfect fit. She was beautiful, he was gorgeous. Both natural leaders. _Their children will be gorgeous,_ Bucky thinks. _Too bad I won’t be able to see them._ Bucky sighs and pats Steve on the back.

 

‘’I’ll miss you.’’ Steve says after a few minutes.

 

‘’I’ll miss you too, punk.’’

 

Steve chuckles at this, and Bucky feels whole again.

 

‘’Don’t die on me. I need to see what you’ll look like as a senior citizen.’’

 

Steve snorts. ‘’You say that as if we’re not senior citizens already.’’

 

Bucky grins. ‘’That’s true.’’

 

‘’Promise me you’ll try to be happy.’’ Steve turns to look into Bucky’s eyes.

 

‘’I’ll try. You do the same.’’

 

Steve grins. He grins that same grin that was plastered on his face whenever he told Bucky about Peggy. Peggy’s grin. Bucky wonders if that grin ever belonged to him. Once, maybe. A long time ago. But times are everchanging, and Bucky must change with them.

 

As much as it hurts, Bucky wants Steve to be happy. And he deserves that, in whatever timeline he chooses. That’s what Bucky tells himself, at least. That’s what he wants to think. If you love someone, let them go. Right?

 

Bucky takes a shaky breath.

 

Right.

 

At least he’ll have Sam, and Sam is more than wonderful. And Steve will be back, within five seconds. But things will never be the same. Steve will be old. Older than he is now. He’ll die long before Bucky. Just like they had anticipated, way back then. Funny, how things can change but still stay the same.

 

They’ll see each other again, Bucky knows that. And he knows that Steve will come back a happier man. That’s all that matters. Bucky will die someday, and they’ll be reunited. Reborn, possibly. Bucky has never been the religious type, but he knows there’s life after death. Because he can never be without Steve, not even in death. They came from the same star, their atoms have spent a lifetime fighting to be together. Bucky isn’t worried. Not anymore.

 

They’ll find their way back.

 

**Author's Note:**

> and on that note, fuck endgame steve
> 
> follow me on twitter: @caroisdcnvers


End file.
